I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
