Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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