My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize