shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
