Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
