can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
