so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize