Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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