hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
