I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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