He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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