im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh god it's open bar.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
