i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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