Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
