Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
