I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
