was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
