i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
