We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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