im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
