He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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