before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
