I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
