The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
