I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
