Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
