Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
