You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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