I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
