I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
