woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
