When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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