somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Houston, we have a squirter
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
