I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
