I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
