I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
