Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize