I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
