no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am puke
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
