the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
