So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize