I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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