Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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