dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
40s are totally the cure
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
