I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
