Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
