Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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