apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
