i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
