Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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