dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
