I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize