when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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