I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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