Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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