exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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