and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
