then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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