just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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