You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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