My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
