Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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