I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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