I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
