Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
