I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
